Home Is Within You by Nadia Davis

Author:Nadia Davis
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: addiction, trauma, mental health, healing, recovery, social justice, Hispanic heritage
Publisher: Nadia Davis
Published: 2021-12-08T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 10

Dear Son,

you can make it through anything in life,

and are never alone.

J

ust when it seemed life had fallen into place, bombs came plundering down everywhere, in every way. Within less than a year, three major events happened back to back and out of the blue.

Arthur Carmona died.

We lost a child.

And my brother attempted suicide.

*****

“Arthur died,” is all I heard on the other side of the line. “He was hit by a truck and didn’t make it.”

No “goodbye,” or “see you on the other side” chance given.

Daddy, gone. Priscilla, gone. And now Arthur?

All I remember is the feeling of falling into a black hole and onto the floor. God, please, no, please. Don’t do this again to his mother, and to me. Why him, God, why him? No, no, no, no...my God, how can it be?

My face buried in my hands, Diego kneeled down to me sitting on the floor and asked, “Mommy? Mommy?”

I tried to find my voice. It was nowhere to be found. I tried to hide my tears. But I was drowning in them. Then he placed his head next to mine and stayed there, waiting.

I finally mustered up the ability to say, “I helped a little boy. But that little boy is gone now. He went to heaven.”

Without hesitation, my dear son said, “Mommy, I’m going to bring that boy back to life for you.” The power in his innocent words was unforgettable.

Thank you, dear son, for being there for me.

But my mind went to work, punching me inside immediately.

If I had not helped to obtain his freedom, he’d at least still be alive in jail.

If I had not initiated the train to get him out, his mother would still have a son. Arthur was hit by a truck just like me. Why did he have to die and I get to live?

How is it that I did something good if it landed someone dead?

How can I live in peace knowing the dirty cops won in the end?

How do I convince others to do what’s right when death has the last word?

What can I say to his mourning mother when there is no light left?

A memorial service was held for Arthur. I wanted to truly grieve, but I couldn’t connect to anything real. The sudden shock of a dead body in front of me brought me right back to the memory of my father and Priscilla’s death. So I went back and forth between numbness and flashbacks inside. I was not present.

The graying of oxygen and blood-deprived skin. The hardening of hands that once were soft and caring. The stiffened lips on the mouth that once spoke words of hope in the world. A dead body doesn’t help you sense the soul it once carried.

I did not know the thing that lay in front of me.

Where was Ronnie Carmona’s little boy? Where was the young man who had a hero’s journey untold? Where was the courage I saw in his eyes? The calm in his voice,

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